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The Raven's Black Shadow 3

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Chapter 3 – The White Robed Assassin</u>


The sun had barely begun to rise by the time Nasira arrived back in the city of Damascus. She kept her head low, her black hood covering almost her entire face. Her shoulder and leg wounds burned now, feeling as if someone was pressing a white hot piece of steel upon her flesh. She did not know what was upon the tip of the knives but she knew she needed to properly treat the wounds soon.
As she neared the main gates she wondered briefly if the guards remembered her from only a couple of days ago. Her guess was more than likely yes but there truly was only one way to find out for sure.

Nasira dismounted the red mare infront of a small stable. She smiled and patted Asimah's neck before handing the reins to the stablehand, as well as pressing a single gold coin in his hand. Without a word Nasira moved away and glanced about.

The main entrance's security seemed to have gained a couple more guards, this made Nasira chuckle lightly. As she walked in and amongst the smaller stalls outside the city gates and caught sight of a large group of people making their way into the city. Hastening her step she slipped unnoticed into the crowd and walked directly in the middle of them. She kept her head dipped low but her eyes watched the guards carefully. She could see them scanning the group but she was able to pass through unnoticed.

Once inside she allowed the group to move ahead. She watched the guards and once she believed they were not going to attack she continued forward. Nasira knew where she needed to go to find the appropriate healing supplies. One may think an Apothecary but she had a different place in mind. Technically where she had in mind was forbidden by her organization but she was saved once by this particular place, more or less by the inhabitant. If she was found in this place it could certainly land her in a bit of trouble. A bit being a rather large understatement.

Nasira stepped around the slowly growing crowds as the day grew brighter. She walked a fair ways before coming across a ladder along the side of the building. Any other time she would have just as easily scaled up the building but her wounds slowed her movements and prevented her from performing her regular acrobatic moves. She muttered irritatingly to herself, unamused about her current condition and prayed she wouldn't need to flee from the guards if they happened to spot her and know what she was.

Once she reached the top she glanced about the rooftops, scanning for any archers or patrolling roof guards. None could be seen presently so she pulled herself up and began her journey across. Carefully, Nasira hopped from one roof to another, favoring her injured left leg. Only once did she almost lose her balance as she leaped over a longer span of a distance between two buildings. She mumbled a curse before continuing.

For what seemed like ages at her slow pace she finally found one particular building she was searching for. She stopped before an opening in the top, one foot placed before a symbol infront of the hole. She studied the symbol for a moment. Nasira knew the symbol well, as did all the Sisters. It was the famous symbol of the Hashshashin. Taking a deep breath Nasira stepped towards the hole and bent down and lowered herself down into it. The Bureau Leader had once helped her when she was one a mission. She had become injured and he actually helped to treat her wounds and allowed her to stay until she was deemed fit to leave. Of course, if other Assassins of the Brotherhood arrived she had to hide for fear of being seen.

Nasira landed softly down, her eyes glancing briefly to the running fountain, the same symbol imprinted above the flowing water as was above on the roof. As she rounded the corner to where the Leader was normally seated around his scrolls and books she stopped dead in her tracks. Her breath caught in her throat and her entire body froze. It seemed the Bureau Leader and Nasira weren't the only ones present.

Standing infront of the Leader in conversation was the same white robed man Nasira spotted perching upon a rooftop during her flight the other day. Judging from the assortment of weapons all over his body he was one of a very high rank, an Elite. Nasira was also an Elite but their difference in skill was quite significant. It was as if time had stopped completely as they all stared at each other, or at her mostly.

The Leader rose from his seat, his brows risen in question, “Nasira?” He asked.
It was all she needed before she bolted back to the top entrance. Despite her wounds screaming in protest, the pain sweeping throughout her body, she ignored them and climbed swiftly up and out. The moment she reached the top she was off at a sprint across the rooftops. She needn't have glanced behind her to know the white robed Assassin was directly behind her.

Nasira leaped a particularily long distance between buildings and stumbled slightly as she landed. She cursed again at herself and winced as a large jolt of pain shot through her leg. She did not stop at this and continued as quickly as possible. Nasira spared herself a look behind her and noticed the Assassin was in mid leap, knowing his eyes would be upon the ground below. She took this chance and ducked beside and behind a thick pillar, enough to hide her entire form. She pressed her back against the large pillar and held her breath to listen. She could hear his almost silent footsteps as he neared her position. She knew he would know of her position but she had to take the chance.

In one quick motion she unsheathed her swords and stepped forward. Her right sword swung upwards where it was blocked by his long blade. Her other sword was swung low but she stopped it just barely pressing against his side as she felt steel pressed against her stomach where he held his short blade. They held themselves in their position, knowing it could end up fatal for one of both. Their eyes were locked upon each other as they stood.

“Why is a Sister of the Shadows so far from home I wonder.” He voice was dangerously low as he spoke.

Nasira's eyes narrowed, “Am I unallowed to travel freely, Brother?” She emphasized the Brother with a low hiss.

The Assassin smirked, “You are not indeed restricted to travel freely but my question was pinpointed more towards why you were stepping foot into one of our Bureaus. Surely you were not lost.”

Nasira was afraid to reveal the Leader's assistance to her but she also knew better to lie to any other fellow Assassin, whether it be of her own Sisterhood or even the Brotherhood.

“No, I was obviously not. I wished an audience with this Bureau Leader as I needed help.” She stated, every word ringing true.

The man must have noticed no lie stuck to her tongue as he did not move to aggressively break their stance, “You know it is forbidden to step foot within the Brotherhood's territory.”

“I do, but he has helped me in the past and the help I seek is of the utmost importance.” Nasira replied shortly, feeling a little annoyed now.

Her right arm began to quiver as pain and a burning sensation was sweeping through her. Her arm was weakening quickly and no doubt she would succumb to him beating her down. He seemed to have felt her change of strength as the knife pressed to her stomach slackened slightly. Before more words could be said between them, a new voice broke the silence.

“You two, you are not permitted to be here!” A rooftop archer guard approached them, an arrow nocked and ready in his bow.

Both the man and Nasira instantly glanced to the guard and the archer's brow furrowed, “Wait a moment I know who you both are!” His eyes widened, “Assassins!” He screamed.

His voice suddenly gurgled as a knife was jutting out form his throat, blood oozing down his neck and stained his mail. The white robed Assassin had broken their stance and had planted the throwing knife in his throat. It was only a brief moment before more shouts could be heard. The man spun around to Nasira and pushed her forward.

“Run now!” He said quickly.

Nasira did not hesitate and sprinted away, the man directly behind her. The scream of the now dead guard instantly alerted any nearby guards. Several had already climbed onto the rooftops and began pursuing the two Assassins. Both hopped from rooftop to rooftop effortlessly, Nasira managing to keep pace with the man's much longer strides, and with her wounds.

Several more guards appeared infront of them but this did not slow them. Nasira unsheathed her right blade and slashed low as the closest soldier swung his sword haphazardly at her. The blade glided easily through the guard's stomach, blood gushing forth. Nasira glanced over to see the white robed man rise to his feet, a small blade attached to his wrist disappear into its sheath. She knew from her mentor about the hidden blades the Assassins of the Brotherhood possessed and always found them rather intriguing.

Upon finishing off the guards both did not hesitate and bolted forward once more. Several arrows whistled passed their forms but did little to stop them. The main gate appeared in sight and both jumped back down to the ground, startling the crowd of people and causing them to gasp, mutter, and scream. They continued their sprint towards the gate, Nasira feeling a wave of deja-vu upon doing so.
A group of guards crowded around the entrance, their swords unsheathed and pointing towards the two Assassin's running forms. In almost perfect unison both Nasira and the white robed man leaped up, one foot landing upon the head of an unfortunate guard, pushing off and soaring over the rest of the shocked guards below. Both landed easily on the other side and sprinted forward again. Nasira whistled shrilly, as did the man beside her. Both were answered with whinnys. Nasira's fiery red mare, Asimah, cantered to her master, her ears pinned as she turned around to face the opposite direction. Nasira swung herself up onto the mare's back, gathering the reins and with only a low click the mare bolted forward into a swift gallop.

Nasira glanced behind to see the man leaping gracefully into the saddle of a pure white stallion. They were directly behind the red mare as they made their escape away from the city of Damascus. Many people leaped out of the way of the charging horses, yelling curses in their direction or just mindlessly screaming.

They traveled for a fair ways, their horses continuing their grueling pace. The pain came in fitful jolts with each beat of Asimah's hooves upon hitting the earth. Nasira's breathing became difficult and harsh but she clenched her teeth, trying to numb the feeling. The man must have noticed her distress and his voice startled her.

“It is safe to stop here a moment.” He called over the thunderous beating of the two horses' hooves pounding the earth.

Nasira let out a rather louder than knowing sigh of relief as she tugged gently on the reins and whistled low to the mare. Asimah snorted and dug her front hooves into the earth, skidding to a halt. The white stallion halted beside them and snorted his protest upon stopping.

Nasira glanced to the hooded Assassin, “Why are we stopping?”

The man dismounted and led his horse to a nearby stream, “To treat your wounds before they get worse.”

Nasira blinked at his words and moved her horse to follow, dismounting when they approached the stream. Upon stepping down Nasira's injured leg exploded with a pain she had never felt before. She cursed much louder than she wanted, mostly at sounding like she was frail and weak. She had tried so hard to hide the pain since she left Aldrahn.

“Come.” He said promptly, standing by the stream.

Nasira's eyes flashed with annoyance beneath her hood, “Will you at least tell me your name?”

“Perhaps if you share yours.” He replied shortly, “Where are your supplies?”

“I had to flee without my saddlebags.” Nasira said as she sat down close to the flowing water.

“And you carry none on you?” She could hear the irritation on his tone of voice.

“Obviously not!” She snapped in return.

She did not need to see his face to know he rolled his eyes at her forgetfulness. She was always scolded by her mentor about keeping extra vials of healing liquid and bandages in her satchels at her side. Each time she only kept them in her saddlebags.

“Show me your wounds.” He said shortly as he stepped to her from his horse.

“Are you going to answer my question first?” Nasira asked before doing anything.
He knelt down next to her, placing a vial and some bandage wraps on his lap, “Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad.”

Nasira blinked upon hearing his last name, knowing it translated to 'Son of none.' She did not ask questions however, “Nasira Ibnat-Toran'Lar.” She answered despite that he did not ask.

“Your shoulder first.” Altaïr said.

Nasira sighed and lowered her hood, the sun catching her crimson red hair. With excruciating effort she pulled her robe down over her right shoulder. The bandages she used the previous day were a dark and ugly red. She knew they were going to be difficult to remove.

Altaïr moved forward and began to unwrap the dirty bandages. When they reached the flesh he glanced to her scrunched up face, “This is going to hurt a bit.”

“I think a bit is going to be a bit of an understatement.” She said as she held her breath.

As gently as possible Altaïr peeled the bandage from the wound, the dried and caked blood peeling off the scabs and flesh, causing the wound to reopen. Once the bandage was fully removed he studied the black and red stab wound. It looked strange.

“What happened to acquire such a wound?” He asked quietly as he began to clean the blood and dirt away with a damp rag.

Nasira sighed and closed her eyes, remaining silent for a moment. Altaïr was unsure if she was going to answer but before he could speak she spoke.

“The Akhawat-Afya was betrayed by our Master. I'm sure an act in which you are none too familiar with.” Her eyes darted to him, noticed his own upon her as she spoke.

Indeed he did know this all too well. It was only barely a year ago did the Hashshashin's previous Master, Al Mualim, betray the Brotherhood, using Altaïr merely as a tool to fuel his power hungry needs. Nasira felt anger coarse through his body as the memories flooded through his mind. She continued anyways.

“She sold us out to the Templars. We were surrounded by the Knights, but we fought bravely. The Master lodged two throwing knives into me as I viciously killed a Knight that charged at me, one in the shoulder and one in my left leg. Directly after that my best friend was killed. I was lucky I could control my anger and promptly fled, with the word of her forcing me to.” She paused as she quivered slightly with rage. Altaïr felt the movement but said nothing.

“I feel a deep shame for leaving my fellow Sisters to be slain by the disgusting Templar's hands. I fear they will think I was a coward, undeserving the rank I hold. I only fled for the sake of finding help and in return seek my revenge to that vile woman.” Her blue eyes were ablaze and she clenched her fists, “I await the day my blades finds her flesh and sends her tainted soul to Hell where it belongs.”

Her voice was barely a whisper by the end but filled with a deadly ring. Altaïr continued to clean her wound a remained silent a moment before speaking, “What you did was not an act of cowardice and the Sisters shouldn't be so rash to think as much. Do not be so hard on yourself about it, anyone with the will enough would have done the same.”

“Thank you.” Nasira muttered, her ears growing a little hot form the unexpected comment.

The awkwardness was very heavy in the air but Altaïr decided to break it, “The knives were tipped.”

Nasira huffed, “That doesn't surprise me. The woman scrutinizes me and tells me I do not follow the Creeds whereas she can't even follow the simple rule of never to use poison.”

Nasira swore she heard a very faint chuckle under his breath, “The poison was meant to immobilize you, even go so far as to paralyze you. The poison is probably from the venom of a snake or spider. It's a wonder you still move from the looks of the potency that still remains in the wound.”

Nasira snorted, “The stupid woman underestimates me.”

Altaïr uncorked the stopper on the vial and glanced to her, “I'm going to warn you, this will sting.”

Nasira could smell the contents of the vial and knew full well their effect, “I know.” She sighed and prepared herself for what followed.

The pain was almost doubled due to the poison that still lingered within the gash. The wound bubbled and hissed as the poison was being drawn out. Altaïr wrinkled his nose and quickly cleaned any remaining blood and wiped away the trail of black poison that leaked out of the wound before he wrapped her shoulder with fresh bandages.

Sweat formed upon her brow as each touch of the cloth caused spasms throughout her muscles. She tried ever so hard not to move, which she seemed to do well since he said nothing. Once he finished wrapping her shoulder he motioned towards her leg by moving to her left side.

Nasira slowly rolled her pantleg up to reveal another caked and dried bandage. A grunt of annoyance sounded from him as he gazed at the filthy rags. Nasira heard the sound and frowned in embarrassment.

“I can treat this myself.”

Altaïr ignored her and reached to begin once again unwrapping the old bandage. This wound was somehow not as bad as the shoulder but the pain was still the same when he applied the liquid. When he finished wrapping the new bandage he rose and stepped to his horse to place the almost empty vial and extra bandages into a saddlebag. Nasira carefully rolled her pantleg back down and pulled down the sleeve to her robes. The wounds felt much better, although rather numb and a bit sore. She rose to her feet and clicked lightly. Asimah walked to her side where Nasira pulled herself up onto her bare back.

“Thank you Altaïr.” She said quietly.

He did not reply right away as he mounted before glancing ahead, “You will accompany me to Masyaf where you can seek an audience with the Master.”
He whistled low to the stallion and touched his sides with his feet, causing the white stallion to snort and begin forward at an easy trot. Nasira sighed and followed suit. Her blue eyes burned into his back.

“You're welcome Nasira, it was no trouble at all.” Nasira mocked in a whisper, hardly attempting to imitate his voice.

“You're welcome, it was undoubtly much trouble.” He said suddenly replied.

His reply startled her, forgetting how well the ears of a well trained master Assassin worked. Her brows furrowed, “Oh shut up!”

A slight unseen smile spread across his lips and despite the fact she was behind him and his hood remained pulled over his face, she could sense the smile and smirked herself.
Beginning <-- Previous Chapter --> Next Chapter

Chapter 3 of my Assassin's Creed fanfic. Not the greatest I know, but it's fun nonetheless ^-^

I do appreciate constructive critique based on my writing, not just upon the story itself. This is what I want to help me further establish how I can properly write my novel. Again, flamers and rude comments will be ignored and laughed at because I find them hilariously amusing :D! Oh and you are more than welcome to point out spelling mistakes and if I have forgotten to add italics and such! Thank you!


All Assassin's Creed characters and such are © Ubisoft
All OC's created by me are © :icondraenian: me.
© 2009 - 2024 Draenian
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CageyJay's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

In chapter 3, you regained your sense of tempo. While it seemed to move too fast during the first ten or so paragraphs, your pacing choice made sense by the end of the chapter.

Please forgive me, but I’m probably going to ask/make a lot of questions/points about this chapter that would have been resolved had I ever played “Assassin’s Creed,” but they are pertinent for your planned novel, since you’ll likely be describing a world none of use have ever seen or lived.

Paragraph 1: Nice opening. It flows very smoothly from where you left off in ch.2. Your prose reads richly, which is in excellent keeping with the era/location you’re depicting, and the voice you’re using overall.

Paragraph 2: This makes me wonder about Nasira. Usually, if someone is concerned that s/he will be recognized by hostile forces, that person will attempt to change his or her appearance. For instance, Nasira could tuck away that bright blue sash so set off against the black. Or she could rub dust into Asimah’s coat to cover identifying marks. While it makes sense for Nasira not to do these things if they are against her code of honor, or even if she’s just in too much pain to make the effort, but your readers need to know the reason, either through you just telling them straight out, or through Nasira thinking the process over.

Paragraph 3: OK. Good job keeping us straight as to who’s doing what by resorting to names.

Paragraph 4: Yay! Victory for Nasira!
--Be careful using “unnoticed” twice in the same paragraph. It doesn’t throw your reader as much as it would twice in the same sentence, but a good rule of thumb to keep in mind is to not use words like that twice without five or so sentences between them, if you have to use them in the same paragraph. In this case, I’d recommend replacing the second “unnoticed” with something like “unseen” or “without pause.”

Paragraph 5: Why drop back? Why not move out to the edge of the group, and peel off down a sidestreet? If she’s going to isolate herself from the group within sight of the guards, you might want to provide her a reason, for instance getting a drink of water from a public fountain, or else she risks the guards noticing she’s standing there, staring. Your readers can easily supply an excuse/cover for her in their own minds, but some of them just won’t, so it’s probably better safer to say something than be sorry for not saying something.
--Your voice comes through in this paragraph, making it feel like a fireside tale. Nice touch.
--Nice use of sarcasm, too, especially given that you echo it later.

Paragraph 6: Interesting way to note the passage of time.
--“The” building? Uhh… what building? It sounds to me like there’s only one building in Damascus. Do you mean “a building” or “the building she had in mind”?
--Perhaps I’m trampling on your personal writing style, here, but in most cases I expect to see a comma before the word “but,” since it generally separates two clauses, just like “and,” “or,” and “not.”
--Careful of tense and word forms. Nasira is already irritated, so she would mutter “irritatedly.” If she, herself, were muttering “irritatingly,” it would have to be irritating to someone else (or, if she was irritating herself, she would probably shut up immediately).

Paragraph 7: Good description in this paragraph. I can feel the tension and visualize the agonizing slowness in her travel.
--Another redundancy in this paragraph: choose “span” or “distance,” but not both. The only reason we tend to say “span of time” is because we expect “span” to mean a physical distance.

Paragraph 8: This is a good way to begin immersing your readers in the society of the world where Nasira lives. Nice job, parceling out tidbits for us to put together.
--Sentence 6’s second “down” is not necessary. “Lowered” has a downward direction to it already.
--Sentence 7, “on a mission,” not “one a mission.” <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";)" title=";) (Wink)" /> For some reason, Word doesn’t tend to catch that typo.

Paragraph 9: Again, “down” is not necessary in the first sentence. I like the details you gave to orient your readers to the room, though.
--The second sentence has a slight squint. Did Nasira round a corner formed by the leader’s scrolls and books, or did you mean to say that the leader usually sat surrounded by his scrolls and books?

Paragraph 10: Other than asking you to turn “infront” into “in front,” no complaints. You communicated this “oh [unprintable]” moment well.

Paragraph 11: I like the opening pair of sentences. The punctuation needs some switching, though. Try, ‘The Leader rose from his seat, his brows risen in question. “Nasira?” he asked.’
--“Behind her” is used twice in the final sentence. Perhaps “on her heels” for the second one?

Paragraph 12: You’re definitely good with action scenes. The logic and explanation for Nasira’s choices is excellent. However, you’ve had me following Nasira across roofs, which means I’ve been visualizing flat-topped mudbrick and stone surfaces, with the occasional terracotta tiling. Where did pillars come from? Did she jump onto the balcony of a particularly tall building? While I’m perfectly willing to believe that in this Damascus they build pillars on their rooftops, maybe to support hanging gardens, you’ll want to familiarize your novel’s readers with that sort of detail before you spring it on them.

Paragraph 13: Interesting tableau. I see it very clearly as you have described it.
--Mind tenses—if her right sword swung, then her other sword swung. Or, if you want to use passive voice, if her other sword was swung, her right sword was swung. That doesn’t make it sound like Nasira did the swinging, but it suits some purposes.

Paragraph 14: All right.

Paragraph 15: Try “not allowed,” instead of “unallowed.” Besides “unallowed” sounding a little awkward, you noted at the end of the paragraph that Nasira is leaning on harsh s-sounds, like any other angry person. Angry people also tend to emphasize t-sounds over l- and n-sounds. “Not allowed” creates a more clipped sentence than “unallowed,” and clipped speech gets associated with anger.
--Make sure to put quotation marks around the second “Brother” to show that she’s emphasizing the word, not the actual person. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s kind of necessary.

Paragraph 16: He has a point. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)" />

Paragraph 17: Good window into Nasira’s thought process.

Paragraph 18: Mm-hmm. Turn the period after “help” into a comma, and make the s in “She” lowercase.

Paragraph 19: In this one, I’d recommend you turn the comma after “stance” into a period. I know you made it a comma because the gentleman was the one speaking the following sentence, but from “The man” to “their stance” is a full sentence. If you really want to make sure we know who is speaking, insert a “He said,” into the space between the period and the quotation.

Paragraph 20: Convert the period to a comma, and you’re fine. Good, easy dialogue here.

Paragraph 21: Makes sense.

Paragraph 22: Good, good.

Paragraph 23: Oops. The archer’s line sounds like something from a Danny Kaye movie, not something a guard would say to two people he recognized as a threat. At the “Wait a moment,” he would probably have gotten killed. If you want to use that line, you might want to insert a note before that that Nasira and her companion Brother didn’t really want to kill the archer if they could get off the roof another way.

Paragraph 24: This was what I was expecting in paragraph 23.
--If the blood is “oozing,” it needs to be “staining” the maille. If the voice “gurgled,” then the knife “jutted.” Each clause in a sentence needs to have a consistent tense. It’s OK to change from the “-ed” ending to the “-ing” ending between clauses, but a sentence doesn’t read well if one clause contains both “-ed” and “-ing.” For instance, “The man pored over and leafed through the book in his hands, his candle sputtering and dying by his elbow,” doesn’t make sense if written, “The man pored over and leafing through the book in his hands, his candle sputtering and died by his elbow.” We’re not quite sure what happened when, you see?

Paragraph 25: Good. As a reader, I feel okay about rooting for the Brother, now.

Paragraph 26: Go, assassins, go!
--How about “despite her wounds” instead of “with her wounds”? Right now, it sounds as though she’s keeping pace with a set of wounds what happen to be running with her and the Brother.

Paragraph 27: Effective use of unusual sentence construction when you describe what Nasira sees when she looks at the Brother. Most people wouldn’t think to use parallel tenses in both clauses, but it makes a most definite point!

Paragraph 28: &#x201C<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";P" title="Wink/Razz" />ast,” not &#x201C<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";p" title="Wink/Razz" />assed.” Also, “upon doing so” is unnecessary. Otherwise, nice work.

Paragraph 29: Delightful imagery. I could see that as a cut-scene in a game.

Paragraph 30: GTA for horses? <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt=":D" title=":D (Big Grin)" />

Paragraph 31: Can Nasira really numb the feeling, or is she just trying to ignore it? Some universes give their assassins/ninjas/warriors/theologians some sort of mystical way to think their pains numb, but since you haven’t mentioned that before in the story I’m uncertain what Nasira’s trying to do.

Paragraph 32: OK. I understand the paragraph. What is it that makes the area safe? Are they far enough away that following them from the city would be a waste? Are they in some sort of dune-land or forest or area of rocky promontories where they could hide without being seen? As a reader, I need a little more information.

Paragraph 33: Interesting turn of phrase. It’s not a phrase I’ve encountered before, but it makes sense. Creative.

Paragraph 34-36: OK.

Paragraph 37: Did you mean &#x201C<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";p" title="Wink/Razz" />romptly” or &#x201C<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";p" title="Wink/Razz" />romptingly”?

Paragraph 38-42: OK.

Paragraph 43: The “she” does not need capitalization.

Paragraph 44: Why did she only keep them in her saddlebags? Was it that she forgot? Did she prefer not to weigh herself down with extra bottles?

Paragraph 45: Comma after “wounds” and a lowercase “h” on “he.” (I’m going to stop commenting on this from here out—you get the idea.)

Paragraph 46-53: Good mix of dialogue and activity.

Paragraph 54: You started it so smoothly that I’m not certain where it happened, but I like that you’re switching between Nasira’s and Altair’s points of view, now. It makes the story feel more natural.

Paragraph 55: OK

Paragraph 56: Unless Nasira’s sitting in Altair’s lap, it’s going to be a little hard for her to feel anger in his body. Was there a cue she noticed? Did his fingers tighten on the vial or bandage? Did his posture stiffen? Did he pause in the middle of wrapping her shoulder? She’s more likely to feel something like that.

Paragraph 57: I understand what you’re going for as Nasira tells the brief story, but only people in the throes of deep guilt over their actions tend to describe said actions in unfavorable terms. Nasira is unlikely to describe her killing as “vicious” when she was fighting for survival. She might describe her Master as vicious, but not herself.
--Try “forced by her command” or “forced by her last wish” instead of “with the word of her forcing me to.”

Paragraph 58: Typo. It has to be either “blade finds” or “blades find,” but not “blades finds.”

Paragraph 59-77: No issues. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)" />


Overall, great work. Starting with this chapter, I can understand where your worries about Mary Sue-dom came from, but it’s not bad at all right now. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";)" title=";) (Wink)" />